Hey there, Sleepwalkers. I’ve long told people that I’m a bartender; that is, I’m a bartender in the same way a person who watches a lot of TV is an executive producer. So I’ve decided to help all of you good people out by sharing some of my favorite comic-inspired cocktails! (And yes, I’m aware Comics Alliance has already done this. Twice. I’m a blogger. What do you want from me, originality?) If I was truly dedicated to this position, I would be drinking each of these drinks as I wrote them down.
So, of course, I will.
The Saint Walker
The leader of the Blue Lanterns, Saint Walker is a beacon of hope in the dark expanse of space, just like this drink is a bright spot in an otherwise dreary day.
-1 1/2 part Blueberry Vodka
-1/2 part Triple Sec
-1/4 part Lime Juice
Shake all ingredients in a shaker with ice and strain into a rocks glass. Add a drizzle of Blue Curaçao and Sprite to fill. Only drink after you have toasted to, and recited, the Blue Lantern oath:
In fearful day, in raging night,
With strong hearts full, our souls ignite,
When all seems lost in the War of Light,
Look to the stars– For hope burns bright!
You should have a bright blue, tangy drink that will give you hope for the rest of the night. If prepared properly, you should feel happy and benevolent, but also capable of reigniting suns. I mean, there’s just so much good in the world, right? It doesn’t matter that you don’t have a job, a girlfriend, or even a confirmed place to live next month–as long as there’s hope, there’s a reason to keep living.
Ruby Quartz Visor
The uptight leader of the X-Men might be burning up the charts lately for his role in AvX, but it’s his potential for expansion into cocktails that’s really got the speculators interested.
-2 parts Cranberry Vodka
-1 part DeKuyper Cherry Schnapps
-1 part Grenadine
Shake all ingredients together in a tin with ice. Pour into a highball glass and add champagne to fill. Garnish with a single cherry. For a Ruby Quartz Sunglasses, skip the champagne and cherry and pour into a glass with ice.
This drink should be fruity, but fizzy. It looks and tastes like something of a wimpy drink, as if it’s supposed to be awesome but rarely gets the chance to shine. But you don’t need to remind anyone it’s uncannily alcoholic–after all, every now and then it gets the chance in the spotlight to show everyone just how astonishing it really is. Because really, you’re a genius. It doesn’t matter if you never get written that way, or if there’s never a good way to show it, or if you keep pining over the same woman. Every now and then you can still remind people that you’ve been doing this since you were fifteen, and they really shouldn’t mess with you.
Bad Samaritan
Zviad Baazovi, code-named the Bad Samaritan, was a secret agent for the Soviet Union. Georgian by birth, he had no loyalty to Russia, and after the collapse of the Iron Curtain, he went independent, offering his services to the highest bidder.
-2 parts Vanilla Vodka
-1 part Kahlua
Pour into a rocks glass over ice. Add Root Beer to fill and stir. Even though this drink has vodka in it, resist the temptation to call it a “Russian” drink–make it clear that you’ll drink anything as long as the alcohol content is high enough, and you have your own national pride. Because your you’re an AMERICAN! And you don’t drink no COMMIE DRINK! And yes I WILL wear these sunglasses indoors, because they look awesome, that’s why! No, I don’t have to listen to you! I have a BLOG! On the INTERNET! I’m IMPORTANT!
Tenhsif Sgnikcots!
Zatanna Zatara is one of the DCU’s most powerful magicians and one of its most cosplayed. This drink will make you just as popular!
-1/3 part Vodka
-1/3 part Gin
-1/3 part Tequila
-1 part Ginger Ale
Shake and strane strain into a shooter glass. Say whatever magic word you need to get yourself through it and make it disappear. The first one should be disgusting, but after a few of these, you’ll be speaking backwards all night. Because its it’s not like anyone listens to you anyway, right? It’s not like anyone reads this anyway, right? S’tahw eht tniop?
Squirrel Girl
Everyone loves Squirrel Girl, and why shouldn’t they? She’s fun, she’s adorable, and she can destroy cosmic threats single-handedly. She’s the perfect girlfriend, but this drink will be a good substitute until then.
-2 parts Amaretto
-1 part Créme de Cacao
-1 part Advocaat
This drink shuld shood should have a very noticeable nut flavor on the top, but will get real sweat sweet by the end of it, because everyone loves you! Because your you’re AWESOME, that’s why! And because you can totally TAKE that guy! Yeah, taht that one right over there! The big chick giving you the stinkeye! Go on and show her what your yoor you are made of! Get Uatu down here, you can kick her ass!
The Bizarro
Bizarro, the tragic clone of Superman, is famous for his bad decisions, just like you will be after a few of these.
-1/4 part Jose Cuervo Tequila
-1/4 part Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey
-1/4 part Jägermeister
-1/4 part Goldschläger
You should am take long time to drink this! This drink should am taste like ugliness! Worst things! You should am feel slower than speeding bullet! Weaker than locomotive! Unattractive! You should not ask that ugly girl for her number!
The Healing Factor
Bet you wish you had one of these, huh?
-8 parts water
Pour into a highball glass. Do not add ice. Do not turn the light on. Do not made any loud movements. Chew two aspirin tablets while drinking. Let the bitterness remind you of all the bad decisions you made the night before. As soon as you can fully open your eyes, go to Burger King and get a sausage biscuit and an order of hash browns. They should taste like regret.
And you deserve it.
That’s all the time we have for today Sleepwalkers, but remember–stay safe out there! I have too few readers to lose any to stupid accidents, so never drink and drive, okay? While you’re here, be sure to check out those Comics Alliance articles–some of them don’t sound half bad!
